Confessions of a Sugar Addict

Hello. My name is Jenny Braxton, and I am a sugar addict.

One time I read a book that likened sugar to hard drugs. Sugar is a natural substance that comes from a plant and is refined down into a crystally white powder. Cocaine is a natural substance that comes from a plant and is refined down into a crystally white powder. And in my opinion, sugar is just as, if not more, addictive than cocaine [and definitely way easier to come by]. It drives me crazy that people are so eager to feed it to my children. My kids might join the ranks of sugar addicts one day, but I'd like to put that off as long as possible.

So anyway, I have been trying to keep my sugar addiction under control. I've [mostly] been off the stuff since January, except for special occasions [and i'm not talking about honey or agave or other natural sweeteners. It's just the crystally white powdered stuff that I'm staying away from]. It's been working well for me [although I have been eating a ridiculous amount of almond butter when the cravings hit]. As long as I don't have any sugar in the house, I'm fine. And I've noticed since cutting it out, my need for sweetness has drastically reduced. I don't need honey in my tea or agave in my oatmeal. I'm diggin' the natural earthy unmasked flavor of food. [And when I eat something naturally sweet, like an apple, it's heaven.]

Whenever we go on a trip, however, my demons come back to haunt me. Something about being out of my home and away from my daily routine makes my resolve fly out the open car window, where it gets left far, far behind us.

The kids and I just took a road trip up to Portland and then over to the coast to visit my aunt [we had a great time], and I ate sugar. A lot. It's like that Ani Difranco song, Fuel, when she's singing about alcoholics:

"And they say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
even when they're dry as my lips for years.
Even when they're stranded on a small desert island
with no place in two thousand miles to buy beer.
And I wonder, is he different, is he different, has he changed what he's about?
Or is he just a liar, with nothing to lie about?"

Substitute sugar in that song, and it's me. I've been doing so well all these months because I'm a liar with nothing to lie about, but when sugar is within my reach....watch out girl!

I started out on the trip pretty good, with only a chocolate bar to keep me perky on the road. But then, at my aunt's house, we celebrated my grandfather's 77th birthday. Jai and my aunt made him a chocolate brownie cake. I was done for.

It's really amazing how if I can resist that one bite, I'll be ok. But I never resist that one bite, and then I succumb to the powerful physical and psychological hold that sugar has on me. I just have to eat more and more and more. It's impossible to stop until I feel disgusting and so full [and there's no more to eat anyway].

So that's what happened. I was no match for that chocolate brownie cake (served with ice cream, of course). And then for the rest of the trip, I was totally under the spell of sugar. I ate a lot of it. Another chocolate bar here, some chocolate almonds there, more and more brownie cake, some cookies, icecream... Until today, when we were finally on the road headed home, and I could just feel my body begging for some love. Some nourishment. And no more sugar.

So here I am, back in my lovely sanctuary [there is no place like home, Toto], and I am re-centering myself. I am quieting my mind, I am focusing inward, I am bringing my awareness to my womb. And when I do, I hear my feminine spirit speaking to me. Guiding me. This is what she tells me to do:

• Drink tea. I am choosing to drink the blend I made the other day [which my aunt tells me is like drinking a field. I think that's a good thing.], but anything with nourishing herbs like nettles, raspberry leaf, lemon balm, oat straw, or other dark green leafyness would work. Whatever makes you feel nourished.
• Take a bath and/or shower. Sometimes I get caught up in the life of a mother with two small children, and a shower doesn't make it very high on my to-do list. But oh, it feels so good. So refreshing and nourishing and loving to myself. I like to end my showers with a spray of cold water to return my blood back to my internal organs. And oh does that make me feel alive.
• Eat simple and whole. Grains [brown rice, quinoa, millet, buckwheat, oats], legumes [lentils, black beans, sprouted tofu, garbanzo beans, tempeh] and lots and lots of veggies. Especially the green leafys [kale, chard, cabbage, bok choy, lettuce]. Now that we are out of winter and into spring, it is the natural time to cleanse our bodies of heavy winter fare. It's a time to simplify our diets and eat an excess of fresh new greens. Try some wild greens, too: dandelion, nettles, and chickweed are all starting to make appearances. 
• Eat with intention and awareness. Listen to my body: eat when I am hungry, stop when I am comfortably full. It's amazing how often we eat out of habit instead of actual need. I know I often eat just because I want to and not because I'm actually hungry. Slowing down to really pay attention to my food, to fully taste and smell and see and feel it, satisfies my desires and nourishes my soul.
• Meditate and visualize. Sit in front of my altar. Focus on a healing light in my womb area to balance feminine and masculine energies [Feminine energy comes in on the left side and masculine energy goes out on the right side. I visualize a bright white light on my left side, warming up that side of my pelvis, and then I move over to the right side and repeat.]  Feel love and nourishment and forgiveness and gratitude.

One day, maybe I will be so grounded and centered and strong that I will be able to sit side by side with a chocolate brownie cake and not even feel tempted. 

Or maybe not. 

But I try not to focus on my relapses or feel bad about myself for binging. I just re-focus, bring myself back to center, and try again.

*Blessings*