Run Mama Run

There is a place I strive to be as a mother; I call it "Zen mothering." Zen mothering is when I am relaxed, open, playful, loving, patient, and joyful. I do actually achieve Zen mothering sometimes, [and for awhile I was getting acupuncture once a week and I was so totally Zen it was amazing. I love acupuncture], but I have not been to acupuncture for awhile now.

And my moments of Zen mothering have been fleeting.

A couple of posts ago, I wrote about dealing with some crazy energy that's been pent up inside me. I have not totally been able to release that energy. The last couple of days have started out great and practically Zen... until we hit the afternoon. Then the edginess creeps in and I feel like the slightest thing might make me snap.

One thing I forget to take into account when I ponder this crazy energy is that I used to be a dancer (how strange to say "used to"...). Up until Yasmina was born [and when we still lived in Portland], I was part of Axe Dide [ah-shey deeday], an Afro-Cuban and Afro-Brazilian dance company. I danced a lot, and it was my joy. My release. My thing.

I get my groove on 

And that's what I'm missing.

We have dance parties around the house, and I try to remember to move my body often, but it's not quite the same. Yesterday my brother reminded me why dance class was so awesome: it was a time when my brain was turned off and I was wholly in my body. I was wholly in the movement. And I was releasing lots of energy. I don't do anything like that anymore.

The moon is in her fourth quarter right now. It is my time to pay particular attention to my inner wise woman. And yesterday she whispered something to me....."run!"

Running. I used to be a runner back in the day, but I honestly can't say I really loved it. I did it more out of some sense of duty rather than love. But this afternoon, as I was feeling the edginess invade my body, running sounded like the best thing in the world. I left the kids with their papa and put on my running shoes.

And I ran.

As I took off across the sheep field towards the woods, I had one thought in my head: I am free!

And I did, I felt so free. I was not jogging; oh no, this girl was running. Filled with joy, I kept a long and smooth stride and felt the delicious sensations of my body stretching and expanding and releasing. I don't think running ever felt so good.

The sun was shining and I was running with the spirits of the forest. I did stop to walk a few times, and I danced once or twice, but I just wanted to keep running.

As the house neared and my run was coming to an end, I put on a cross-country finish. I ran full out, opening my stride as far as I could. It is an amazing feeling when you're running hard and your body's so tired, and yet you somehow find the strength to reach farther and push harder still. Except I didn't feel like I was pushing; I was releasing. The trilliums cheered me on.

I was Zen mama for the rest of the day.