[Also the hardest thing. And the most joyful thing. The most exhausting thing. The most wildest rollercoaster of a high-flying in your whole life of an adventure thing.]
Becoming a mother has pushed me down my path of personal evolution.
Becoming a mother has shown me love like I never could have imagined.
Becoming a mother has shown me all sides of my soul [my light and my dark].
Sometimes, when the dark side of my soul is seeking expression, I subconsciously feel like a bad mother. As if good mothers never feel anger. As if feeling angry or annoyed at my children is not allowed in the realm of good mothering.
But I mean, come on Jenny. No matter how angelic one's children might be, I can't imagine there isn't a mother who doesn't get angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, or just plain fed up with her children from time to time. I know I definitely do. And sometimes I handle it well, and many times I take it as a learning experience for how I would like to interact differently [more lovingly, more patiently, with more perspective] with my children.
Becoming a mother has taught me that I have quite a fire inside. A wildfire inferno that can flare up with little warning. It makes me want to yell and slam doors and smack little tushies. And I have done all of those things [thankfully the smacking of little tushies has only occurred on a couple of occasions, and those experiences taught me that spanking is really not my style.]
I definitely find it a struggle to keep calm in the face of such strong emotion. But even if yelling at my children feels good in the moment, it leaves me with an uneasy feeling in my root. Like I could have handled that better. Like I know how to handle that better.
To me, the act of mothering is an act of love, patience, nurturing, compassion. I don't usually associate mothering instincts with anger and aggression. But oh lord, can they be part of the package. Learning to handle my emotions with compassion [for myself, for my children] is one of the lessons motherhood has to teach me. I'm learning how to let the wave of anger pass through me, expelling it with my breath. Lately I have been very mindful of the tightening feeling in my root when I'm edgy and likely to snap. I bring awareness to that feeling, I breathe into the constricted space, and I release it. And then I'm able to smile [or at least not yell] and flow into the next moment.
My friend Joyelle calls this taking a sacred pause. She shared the concept of the sacred pause with us during the last women's circle, and it was an idea that really resonated with me. When the fire gets hot, stop for a moment to breathe. Stop for a moment to reconnect. Stop for a moment of sacred inspiration. [And then smile, or at least not yell, and flow into the next moment.]
Becoming a mother is the most challenging thing I've ever done. Challenging me to be an ever grander version of myself, challenging me to live as my highest self. Challenging me to keep my perspective of the sacred, even in the heat of my fire.
*Gratitude*
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