Cleansed

This morning begins my second-to-last day of my three week cleanse (for details on how I'm cleansing, please read this post). In all honesty, I am feeling great.

Although there have been times of feeling less-than-amazing, this cleanse has not been particularly difficult (except for the first couple of caffeine-free days). Changing my diet to a sweets-free/grain-free/ dairy-free/caffeine-free way of eating has been surprisingly easy. The cravings I thought would come have not [although I have had some impulses to eat the rice I was serving my children]. I haven't even missed my favorite nighttime snack [toast with lots of butter, almond butter, honey and cinnamon. It's been replaced with an apple and a spoonful of almond butter. Also delicious.]

I think the ease of this cleanse has been the result of several factors. First and foremost, I was just really ready for this. I've known since fall that Yasmina would wean over the winter and that I would cleanse this spring [you don't want to cleanse, thus releasing toxins into your breast milk, when you are breastfeeding]. And since the fall, I have been undergoing my own evolution, gaining insights on myself and striving to release ways that no longer serve me. It is a constant dance, this evolution of being, but with this cleanse I have found the physical release of old and unneeded energy. Habits I found impossible to break a month ago have easily slid out of me. I feel rested, renewed, and in touch with the power of my own energy in a way I've never felt before.

One of the best rewirings that has happened during this cleanse is my new priority on resting. During the first week, I would often feel very tired and fuzzy-headed [which are normal signs of toxins leaving the body]. Pre-cleanse, that would have been my sign to brew a cup of yerba mate and push through. Now, instead of fueling myself with caffeine, I lay down for a few minutes or just sit and relax [what a concept!] I am now making it through the day without those feelings of sleepiness and cloudiness. I am listening to my body. In the evenings, when I am tired, I relax for a little bit and go to bed early [previously, evenings were my get-things-done time]. Now I have more energy during the day to accomplish what I need to [and what I'm not able to accomplish, I'm better about letting go until the next day].  I think this is possibly the first time in five years [since having children, that is] that I feel well-rested.

Another vital reason this cleanse has worked for me is that I am cleansing, not fasting. Although I am careful to stop eating when I am comfortably full, I in no way deny myself nourishment. And what I eat is undoubtably deliciously satisfying. I'm eating plenty of protein (nuts, seeds, grass-fed meat, fish, eggs), although I have found I'm naturally eating less meat that before. I still have my beloved butter, plus delicious coconut oil and olive oil to help my veggies taste rich and satisfying (and did you know that the saturated fat in butter and coconut oil is essential for absorbing calcium and the fat-soluble vitamins [vit. A, D, E, K]?) And I have found that I really prefer to eat extra vegetables rather than a grain (rice, bread, etc.) with my meals. Another thing that is probably left out of most cleanses is salt, and rightly so because most salt is refined of minerals and full of additives (aluminum compounds, dextrose, bleaching agents. This information comes from Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon). Here we use an unrefined, natural sea salt that is full of minerals and very nourishing. No need to be stingy with it.

In case you are curious what one of my cleansing meals looks like, here is a sample of the possibilities:

• grilled grass-fed pork chops; spring onions, garlic, little broccoli shoots, baby greens (kale, pac choi, spinach) and fresh oregano sauteed in butter and salt; "rainbow salad": grated carrot, sliced radish and celery, with dressing of apple cider vinegar, olive oil, and salt
• grass-fed hamburger patty topped with guacamole; sauteed broccoli, spring greens, spring onions, and garlic
• sauteed onions, garlic, sweet potato, broccoli, and carrots. Towards the end, add a touch of broth and ume plum vinegar. When done, stir in a can of sardines (or other fish) and chopped parsley
• sardines (or other fish) on a bed of lettuce, watercress, parsley, and cilantro, with pumpkin and sunflower seeds and a dressing of olive oil, apple cider vinegar, and a touch of salt
• one or two eggs gently fried in butter with sauteed garlic, mushrooms, and kale, garnished with chopped radishes and sliced avocado
• add carrots, parsnip, and collard greens to a pot of cooked black eyed peas [with a splash of ume plum vinegar] to make a soup. Add sauteed onions and garlic. Puree part of the soup and mix back into the pot. Garnish with any or all of the following: pickled red cabbage, avocado, chopped parsley, grated carrots
• cooked red lentils with spinach, garlic and a splash of apple cider vinegar, topped with an egg and avocado (I like this one for breakfast)
• smoothies: coconut milk, banana, kiwi, frozen peaches, spirulina; or two bananas, kiwi, frozen blueberries and frozen cranberries, spirulina

As you can see, I've been eating deliciously well during this cleanse. Cutting out grains has inspired me to be more creative in the kitchen, and I've discovered many combinations that are becoming staples in our home. I am finding new ways of eating [and living] that serve me much better than my ways of old. This does not mean than in a few days time, when my three weeks are over, I will never eat a piece of bread again. Of course I will. But I've discovered that I don't need my daily toast with breakfast. I've discovered that when I'm needing a little treat, a spoonful of almond butter satisfies me just as much as something sweet. I've [re]discovered ways of nourishing myself truly and deeply. And I am feeling damn good [did I mention those eight hours of sleep??]. 

May our blessings continue on. 

*Gratitude*

Spring Cleaning

The farther I walk this path of mine, the more I recognize it as a path of healing.

I first learned about my passion for healing through my love of food. After graduating from a very expensive liberal college, I discovered what I really wanted to study: nutrition. I enrolled in a holistic nutrition course, became a certified Nutrition Educator, and plunged into my passion for healthy food.

Through the course of my learning, I became enlightened to the idea of cleansing: giving the body a break from digestion in order to release accumulated toxins. The body, just like the earth, has an innate ability for self healing, if only we give it the time and space. My interest led me to juice fasts, where I would eat fruits and vegetables for a week, followed by a few days of nothing but juice and broth. Even though I liked the idea cleansing and the results I felt in my body, I wasn't really crazy about the whole not eating part. But I did it, because I was young and wild and just like that. 

Fast forward five years [during which I was either pregnant or breastfeeding or both and therefore not cleansing] and my body feels like I'm carrying around some extra sludge. Not to mention that the life of a mother has caused me to loosen up on my formerly uber healthy habits. I have been looking forward to this spring as a time not only to cleanse, but also to realign myself with nourishing practices [the regrowth of spring after the dormancy of winter makes it an excellent time for cleansing]. And now the time is here!

I have moved past the point in my life when juice fasting would support me. This time around, I am not looking to fast, I am looking to cleanse. This is how I am supporting and assisting my body during its spring cleaning:

1. The main element, of course, is diet. I'm following the recommendations of my awesome naturopathic doctor, who has me on an anti-inflammatory diet. This is how it goes:

NO 

• sugar or sweeteners of any kind
• caffeine
• dairy (mucous-forming and thus anti-cleansing) 
• grains (wheat, spelt, oats, rice, millet, quinoa, etc. - difficult to digest and mucous-forming)

YES 

• legumes (lentils, black eyed peas, black beans, kidney beans, mung beans, garbanzo beans, etc., soaked overnight and slowly cooked with a piece of kombu seaweed for best digestion)
• grass-fed meat and cold water fish (wild salmon, halibut, sardines, tuna, cod) 
• organic fats and cold-pressed oils: butter, coconut oil, olive oil, sesame oil
• seeds and nuts except peanuts [I use raw seeds/nuts that I soak overnight then slowly roast for best digestion]
• fruit [except for citrus other than lemon and lime, and going light on high sugar fruits like dates and figs]
• lots and lots and lots of vegetables [except tomatoes and potatoes, which can be inflammatory]
• I'm also going big on broths [homemade], particularly bone broths, which are an amazing source of easily assimilated nutrients 

2. In addition to my diet, I'm taking some supplements to aid in digestion and cleansing. These include:

• one teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in water before meals to stimulate digestion
• alternated with an ounce of aloe vera juice 30 minutes before eating to enhance digestion and assimilation
• probiotics to enhance my intestinal flora (protects against disease, aids in digestion)
• one teaspoon of fish oil daily (anti-inflammatory and all around amazing)

2. Herbal teas are also a huge part of my cleanse. Herbs not only assist in cleansing, but they also nourish key cleansing organs, such as the liver and the kidneys. Back in the day I liked to make all my own tea blends, but for convenience sake I'm utilizing packaged teas from some really awesome companies. I am loving the Every Day Detox by Traditional Medicinals (the main ingredient is schisandra berry, plus dandelion root, chicory root, licorice, ginger, and a few others) and Tulsi Cleanse from Organic India (Holy basil, ginger, turmeric, and some others). My tea time is not only a time to drink my tea, but also a time for me to sit, relax, and breathe. 

3. Which brings me to another important element of my cleanse: relaxing, sitting, and breathing. And sleeping. A very important part of cleansing, and one that I'm sure gets overlooked in our busy lives, is resting. The body needs rest in order to cleanse itself. I am making sleep a priority [minimum of 8 hours a night], as well as taking time during the day to sit, relax, and breathe consciously (deeply, meditatively). Deep breathing is an important pathway for releasing not only physical toxins, but also energetic stagnation. I am frequently practicing the movements I call the warm-up. I am making walks in the woods a priority, meditating in sacred places a priority, sitting and enjoying the beauty around me a priority. I get my work done, but I'm not letting it rule me.

4. There are a few other ways I am supporting my body during its cleansing. These include dry skin brushing, castor oil packs, and oil pulling. Dry skin brushing is exactly what it sounds like: brushing your skin, when dry, with a brush like those you use in the bath. Starting with my feet, I brush my whole body, stroking towards the heart. This stimulates the lymphatic system, which is the body's cleansing system. I do it before bed, as the lymphatic system is most active at night.
A castor oil pack is a flannel cloth that has been saturated with castor oil and placed over the liver (right side of abdomen, under rib cage). A hot water bottle is placed over the pack to help with the absorption of oil. The castor oil stimulates the liver to release toxins and the lymphatic system to clean them up. I've been doing it morning and night for 20 minutes.
Oil pulling stems from an ancient Aryuvedic practice. It also stimulates the lymphatic system and enzymes in the mouth to cleanse toxic bacteria out of the body. It involves swishing oil around in the mouth for 20 minutes, which soaks up the toxins, and then spitting out the oil [follow the link for more detailed instructions. In fact, follow all the links. They're very informative and helpful].
Oh yes, there is one more thing I'm going to do - today, in fact. I'm going to get a colonic. The large intestine, with all it's little twists and turns, can get clogged up with nasty debris. A colonic uses water to flush out all those little crevices, cleaning the intestine. I got one about six years ago, and it was actually an enjoyable experience. Our intestines need love, too!

So that is basically my cleansing regimen. My cleanse is going to last three weeks, and I'm on my sixth day. The first couple days were rough, mostly because I had a constant headache from lack of caffeine. But now, I'm starting to feel pretty good. My head can feel a little fuzzy and I definitely get tired, but I take that as my signal to rest. To be honest, I have an underlying feeling that's amazing. Since the Winter Solstice, I have been working really hard on cleansing myself energetically - releasing old, stagnant, negative patterns and welcoming in new patterns that better support me. With this cleanse, I feel the physical manifestations of that stagnant energy releasing from my body, and I am filling with fresh, cleansed energy. I feel more connected than ever to the amazing energy of the universe; I feel more connected to my love, joy, and gratitude.  I am reminded that I can create myself anew in any given moment: every moment is an opportunity for me to live as my highest self, to choose to be Who I Really Am [Spirit incarnated into this earthly life]. This cleanse is certainly the most powerful I've ever done, as I am now aware enough to combine physical cleansing with energetic cleansing. I am the caterpillar emerging from my cocoon, shedding that which no longer serves me and stepping into my true radiance.

I invite you to join me. We are in powerful times right now, and the energy is there to assist you in your own transformation. This is the time to release the old stories we tell ourselves, those stories that no longer hold truth. It is time to release ourselves from all that which no longer serves us. It is time to be brave. It is time to remember our true selves, to walk forth together into love and healing. There is really nothing else that is more important.

I bless you on your journey. I will continue to share the blessings of mine.

*Gratitude*

End of Day

1. The kids were asleep tonight by 7:48. Lingering light illuminated the clear sky, a sliver of a moon shone down. Bats flitted overhead, and the "whoop whoop whoop whoop" of a snipe sounded over the amplified song of the frogs. I sat on the deck, wrapped in a blanket.

2. My new favorite thing is the 20 minute afternoon rest (for mama). While the kids are watching something on the computer, I crawl into bed. I close my eyes, and although I don't actually sleep, I reach a very relaxed state. At least, I don't think I'm sleeping but then I suddenly feel myself waking up from that transitional place of wakeful sleep [or sleepful wake, perhaps]. Usually this makes me feel amazing, and my energy is renewed enough to carry on with the rest of the day. Today, however, I wake up grumpy.

3. If ever in doubt, go for a walk. Preferably to a place enchanted by fairies, where the sweep of sword ferns are broken only by a soft carpet of lush moss. Where cities of mushrooms abound, where the sunlight shining down through lichen covered maples illuminates one sacred grove after another. Where mamas can delight children by finding abandoned schatzi shells: treasure. Gifts from the Beloved.  Enchantment of fairies.

4. Earlier today, Jai went over to help Grandpa in his greenhouse. Yasmina and I stayed to work in our greenhouse. Mustard, pac choi, kale, radishes, and an early experiment of beans went into the soil, as well as marigold and echinacea seeds saved from last year. As we were working, I heard a slam on the window and looked up to see the robin who had flown into it, writhing on the ground. By the way she was tumbling and crazy rolling, I thought she must have broken her neck. But she calmed as I approached, and once in my hands, she appeared unharmed. Breathing heavily, she had no desire to fly away. As she perched on my finger, Yasmina petted her and gave her love and helped me send her healing energy through our hands. I envisioned her flying away. We put her in a cat carrier in the barn [to rest] and went back to our work. Later, we came back and opened the door to her cage. She looked at us a moment, then flew away without warning.

5. The night air is cold, but my blanket is warm. As I breathe in the light of the moon, I see her energy traveling down through my body, warming my chakras. With this downward motion, I release the stagnant energy inside me. A wispy cloud darkens the moon. I continue to breathe in the energy of the night and to release unneeded energy. When I open my eyes, the cloud has passed and the moon is clear. New moon.

6. I put all my babies to bed. I kiss my sleeping children, sending glowing love down into their little bodies. The ducks are in their house, Yansa in the east, Oxum ["oshoon"] in the south, Iemanja in the west. Beaks tucked under wings. The chickens, too, are roosting in their coop. Goosey Loosey, a big black hen, is not sitting on her nest. Perhaps she has not gone broody after all.
I don't turn my flashlight on as I enter the barn. It is almost pitch black, and I must reach out to find the horses. Soft muzzles, delicious horse sent. I hold Avalon's head in my arms, then I lean into Harold, cradling his neck. Bella waits for me outside. I bury my face in her baby fluff as she gnaws a bone. She is not ready to go inside yet. I am, and I find it warm and illuminated.

*Blessings*

Creative Rhythm

The more I accompany the earth on her rotations around the sun, the more I learn how to live in time with her rhythm.

Nothing on this earth is linear [except that which is made by man, but that is not what interests me]. Everything is governed by cycles: birth, growth, maturity, harvest, death.

Our culture, unfortunately, doesn't pay much mind to cycles. We are all about youth; we are all about constant production; we are all about tomatoes in February. We are so disconnected from our natural rhythms that many people don't even recognize it as a source of unbalance.

In much of my life so far, I have been on a path of reconnecting. Remembering. And I am remembering how to live the natural rhythm of cycles, rhythms that nourish and rejuvenate me.

Ever since reading Tami Lynn Kent's excellent and highly recommended book, Wild Feminine, I have reconnected to the creative cycles of my body and spirit. As one with the tendency to constantly charge full speed ahead [followed by the inherent burn out], learning to live in a cyclical manner has brought much balance and peace to my life. It has also erased the guilt I used to feel if I wasn't constantly doing and creating.

This is what I mean by referring to a creative cycle:
First, a phase of planting seeds, if you will. A time of birthing ideas, of setting intentions.
Then planning. What do I need to manifest my creation?
This all comes together in the growth of my creation, and then the harvest of some tangible outcome.
Last, but certainly not least, is the fallow period. As in rest, rejuvenation, renewal.

This last phase, the fallow phase, is the vital missing piece for many of us. Our culture and our lives are usually not set up for periods of rest; we are supposed to go go go all the time. No wonder we always feel so tired and crazy! [Or maybe I am only speaking for myself.]

On Friday I hosted a women's circle, and the topic of our conversation was the creative cycle and that missing phase of rest and rejuvenation. We all agreed that finding time to care for ourselves, to nourish and regenerate ourselves, does not usually take priority.

But my body and spirit have been calling out for me to make it a priority. It's easy to keep going, especially when one has small children; there is always more to do than I will ever get done. Then a couple of weeks ago I hit a low point - I was just so tired and devoid of energy and downright cranky. I realized that I hadn't been giving myself the nourishment [of my soul] that I needed, and that I had been so focused on "getting things done" that I hadn't been giving myself a long overdue break. If I don't take care of my own needs, I'm not that great of a person to be around. And when I do respect taking time to renew myself, I am a much better mother, wife, and creative being.

Last night I was reflecting in my journal, and I came up with the following list of my "fallow phases" [times to rest, recharge, rejuvenate]:
Daily: Nighttime. After the children are asleep, and usually the husband too, I need to focus on an activity that rejuvenates my Self [even if that just means going to sleep early].
Weekly: My husband often works nights, so those nights when he's gone are my special all-to-myself times.
Monthly: I like to let the moon guide my cycles of creativity. When the moon is in her 4th quarter [waning], I use that time to stay especially focused on my own needs.
Yearly: Letting the seasons guide me is more than just eating foods in season [although that of course is an important part]. Spring and summer are very outwardly active seasons. When fall and winter come around, I spend more time inward, in reflection, release, and rejuvenation.

Next in my reflections, I thought about what it is that truly recharges my spirit and renews my mind and body:
Meditation focused in my pelvic bowl [root chakra, home of Spirit]
Solitude
Being outside
Stretching
Energetically recharging with my "warm-up" [for lack of a better name]
Getting enough sleep (!!!)
Nourishing my spirit [with food, self-care, making art, dancing]

I am a list person. They organize my thoughts and bring balance to my mind. Making these lists focuses my awareness on the important task of renewing my body, mind and spirit.

When I'm feeling kind of crazy and overwhelmed, I try to remember that, with two small children, I am in one of the busiest phases of my life. And living my life through its natural cycles of active, creative times and more passive, restful times helps me stay balanced, stable, and joyful.

I bless you with the same.

*Gratitude*

Going on Vacation

When I started this blog, I knew summer would be a difficult time for me to do much writing. And I was right! You might have noticed that my number of posts has dwindled, and even though I have lots of material floating around in my head, my creative energy is needed elsewhere right now (namely, the garden. oh yes and my children. and my husband. and summer social "obligations." and sometimes the house needs attention too.)

This blog, along with the joy and satisfaction it brings me, is also starting to stress me out just a tiny bit. Even though I tell myself there is no pressure for me to post every week, I do feel self-imposed pressure. And so, as I stipulated for myself in my Blogging Manifesto, the time has come for me to step back and take a little break. A summer vacation. Until the garden has retreated and the length of day has lessened.

I'll be back around September. I hope you will be too!

Much love and many, many blessings to you.

What We Deserve

The blessings of summer are upon us!

Cool mornings are spent watering and working in the garden [we will harvest our first zucchini tomorrow. We have tiny baby cucumbers, the corn is growing rapidly, the peppers are flowering, and we have green tomatoes. No matter how many seasons of gardening I've experienced, the excitement and joy of my garden never ceases.]

Hot afternoons are spent lounging in the front yard beneath the cool of the trees, watching Jai and Mina splash each other in their little pool. The beauty of the scene: the valley ringed by forest, the vibrant flowers in bloom, the glorious abundance of the Goddess - it always leaves me in awe.

A week ago [or two maybe? Keeping track of time is not one of my strong points], we returned from Lake Tahoe, where we witnessed the union of two beautiful and dear friends. The wedding was spectacular, made even more so by the abundance of old friends reuniting in celebration. My Mina's namesake, the very lovely Yasmina, traveled all the way from Peru to be at the wedding. One morning she came with Anthony and I as we took the kids to the beach, and we all got to spend some quality time together.

As we were catching up, she told me how happy I looked. I replied that I couldn't help but be happy; I have an amazing husband, two beautiful children, and a home in Eden. I added that I didn't know what I had done to deserve so many blessings, but I was grateful.

I have been thinking about her reply ever since. She said, "That is what all people deserve."

She is so right.

We often feel that we don't deserve blessings, that we must prove ourselves to be worthy. We don't deserve love, we don't deserve happiness, we don't deserve to live the life we dream of.

What would happen if we flipped that mentality on its head, and everyone lived from a place of deserving? What if everyone was aware of his or her worthiness? Deserving and worthy of love, happiness, peace, beauty, friendship, respect. Deserving to live in a way that nourishes our souls. If you felt you were deserving and worthy of all this, would your life change in any way?

The tricky part is that we are already blessed with all of these things; we just need to open our hearts and our minds [and release ourselves from our fears and our doubts] in order to receive them. We can live this way: it is what we deserve.

Many, many blessings.

*Thank you Yasmina*

Rising with the Sun

Good morning! [Yes, it is morning. If you ever noticed, my posts are usually written late in the night. The time now, however, is 6:09 am. I am watching the sunlight stream into the valley below me, clearing the fog and warming the frost.]

I feel like I haven't been here in awhile [it's been over a week.] I knew springtime would be a good test of my blogging ability, because the majority of my energy is spent all day, outside [what blessings!] I come in the house at about 9:00 at night, utilizing that last hour of sunlight after the kids are asleep. Then I used to spend several hours before bed cleaning, relaxing, writing.

But that has all changed. I have made into reality what I have dreamed about since Jai was a baby.

I am waking up earlier than the kids! I am savoring early morning hours in the company of myself; I am drinking tea with the singing birds and the crowing roosters; I am out in the garden soaking up the first rays of sunlight.

My alarm goes off at 5:30 am [a very quiet one that only wakes me up], and I carefully extract myself from my children's embrace. I have never been able to get up by myself before; my kids sleep with me, and one child would inevitably wake up with me when I tried. But I also never tried waking up before 6:00 am, and that apparently is key. 5:30 is early enough that they are still deep in sleep, and I can slip quietly [sleepily lumbering] away.

I am adjusting to this new routine. I love being up early, but it is a struggle to go to bed at a decent time. I love being up early and I love being up late...oh well, who needs sleep anyway?

For your morning [early or otherwise], I want to share a little blessing that the kids and I like to say together. Sometimes we walk outside and say it, sometimes we parade around the house burning sage while we say it, or sometimes I just say it quietly to myself. Either way, it starts my day with good feelings.

[the blessing is adapted from one found in Seven Times the Sun by Shea Darian]

Open wide the door to morning
with love this day shall start
walk gently on the earth
with kindness in your heart

Open wide the door to morning
take beauty as a clay
and mold an act of thankfulness
for the blessings of this day.

*Blessings*

Celebrating May Day

Tomorrow is the first of May. We know it as May Day, but long ago some ancient people celebrated it as the festival of Beltane. Beltane was a time to celebrate the abundance of the earth and the flowering of the Goddess. These days, some people do celebrate on May Day by gifting flowers or dancing around a maypole. There are even some festivals to commemorate the day. Unfortunately, however, I think it passes under most people's radar.

I think we should change that.

Because May Day, or Beltane [a pretty name, I think], is a day to celebrate sex. And who doesn't want to celebrate sex? [Oh wait- our culture doesn't want to celebrate sex. Our culture views sex as dirty and shameful. Once again, I think we should change that.]

In the book Celebrating the Great Mother, Cait Johnson and Maura Shaw describe Beltane as an important holiday to reclaim the sacredness of sexuality:

"To our ancient ancestors, sex was sacred. It was the force that brought forth new life and made life worth living, and so they celebrated the ancient Beltane festival to honor fertile sexual energy, dancing their dances around phallic maypoles that recalled the World Tree, making love in the newly planted fields, and generally having a wonderful time."

I think that sounds pretty good!

I want to share Beltane with my children as a day to celebrate love, our bodies, our sensual nature. In this way, I hope I can instill in them a joyful attitude about themselves and their natural desires. Our culture sends so many messages to children [and everybody, in fact] that our bodies are not good enough; that they are dirty; that we must buy products to make us smell and look "pretty." I want my children to grow up knowing that they are perfect just as they are; that their natural selves mirror the infinite beauty of the Goddess. By being comfortable with themselves and their sensuality, I hope they will one day develop a healthy and loving relationship with their sexuality [one day, one day.]

We did already do some May Day celebrating this weekend at a festival deep in the Oregon coast range. There we celebrated with community, and tomorrow we will celebrate with family. Based off of an idea in Celebrating the Great Mother, we are going to construct some Goddess figures [I'm thinking cardboard cut-outs adorned with paint, sparkles, feathers, flowers, etc.] We'll hang our Goddesses from a maypole in the garden to bring blessings of fertility and abundance. I'm sure there will be dancing and much merriment. [And after the children are asleep, perhaps love making in the newly planted fields?}

Other ways to celebrate Beltane would be to pamper and celebrate your body and the creative, abundant Goddess within you. Take a bath with a couple drops of essential oil [I love lavender], get a massage [give a massage!], brush your hair, put on pretty clothes, eat nourishing food, take a walk in nature, pick yourself a bouquet, meditate in front of your altar [construct an altar with flowers and candles and incense and anything that reminds you of the Goddess], dance with others or by yourself. Celebrate yourself and your wonderful, sensual nature. Do what feels good.

And of course, if there is a special someone in your life, this is an excellent time to celebrate the love you share. Johnson and Shaw recommend this for when the children are asleep: "...you and your partner may want to have some special time together; decorate your bedroom with flowers and candles, or make love outdoors. Forces much larger that our individual selves flow through us at Beltane and every act of love and pleasure becomes a celebration of the life force in all of us."

Happy May Day to you. Many blessings of Love.

Run Mama Run

There is a place I strive to be as a mother; I call it "Zen mothering." Zen mothering is when I am relaxed, open, playful, loving, patient, and joyful. I do actually achieve Zen mothering sometimes, [and for awhile I was getting acupuncture once a week and I was so totally Zen it was amazing. I love acupuncture], but I have not been to acupuncture for awhile now.

And my moments of Zen mothering have been fleeting.

A couple of posts ago, I wrote about dealing with some crazy energy that's been pent up inside me. I have not totally been able to release that energy. The last couple of days have started out great and practically Zen... until we hit the afternoon. Then the edginess creeps in and I feel like the slightest thing might make me snap.

One thing I forget to take into account when I ponder this crazy energy is that I used to be a dancer (how strange to say "used to"...). Up until Yasmina was born [and when we still lived in Portland], I was part of Axe Dide [ah-shey deeday], an Afro-Cuban and Afro-Brazilian dance company. I danced a lot, and it was my joy. My release. My thing.

I get my groove on 

And that's what I'm missing.

We have dance parties around the house, and I try to remember to move my body often, but it's not quite the same. Yesterday my brother reminded me why dance class was so awesome: it was a time when my brain was turned off and I was wholly in my body. I was wholly in the movement. And I was releasing lots of energy. I don't do anything like that anymore.

The moon is in her fourth quarter right now. It is my time to pay particular attention to my inner wise woman. And yesterday she whispered something to me....."run!"

Running. I used to be a runner back in the day, but I honestly can't say I really loved it. I did it more out of some sense of duty rather than love. But this afternoon, as I was feeling the edginess invade my body, running sounded like the best thing in the world. I left the kids with their papa and put on my running shoes.

And I ran.

As I took off across the sheep field towards the woods, I had one thought in my head: I am free!

And I did, I felt so free. I was not jogging; oh no, this girl was running. Filled with joy, I kept a long and smooth stride and felt the delicious sensations of my body stretching and expanding and releasing. I don't think running ever felt so good.

The sun was shining and I was running with the spirits of the forest. I did stop to walk a few times, and I danced once or twice, but I just wanted to keep running.

As the house neared and my run was coming to an end, I put on a cross-country finish. I ran full out, opening my stride as far as I could. It is an amazing feeling when you're running hard and your body's so tired, and yet you somehow find the strength to reach farther and push harder still. Except I didn't feel like I was pushing; I was releasing. The trilliums cheered me on.

I was Zen mama for the rest of the day.

Confessions of a Sugar Addict

Hello. My name is Jenny Braxton, and I am a sugar addict.

One time I read a book that likened sugar to hard drugs. Sugar is a natural substance that comes from a plant and is refined down into a crystally white powder. Cocaine is a natural substance that comes from a plant and is refined down into a crystally white powder. And in my opinion, sugar is just as, if not more, addictive than cocaine [and definitely way easier to come by]. It drives me crazy that people are so eager to feed it to my children. My kids might join the ranks of sugar addicts one day, but I'd like to put that off as long as possible.

So anyway, I have been trying to keep my sugar addiction under control. I've [mostly] been off the stuff since January, except for special occasions [and i'm not talking about honey or agave or other natural sweeteners. It's just the crystally white powdered stuff that I'm staying away from]. It's been working well for me [although I have been eating a ridiculous amount of almond butter when the cravings hit]. As long as I don't have any sugar in the house, I'm fine. And I've noticed since cutting it out, my need for sweetness has drastically reduced. I don't need honey in my tea or agave in my oatmeal. I'm diggin' the natural earthy unmasked flavor of food. [And when I eat something naturally sweet, like an apple, it's heaven.]

Whenever we go on a trip, however, my demons come back to haunt me. Something about being out of my home and away from my daily routine makes my resolve fly out the open car window, where it gets left far, far behind us.

The kids and I just took a road trip up to Portland and then over to the coast to visit my aunt [we had a great time], and I ate sugar. A lot. It's like that Ani Difranco song, Fuel, when she's singing about alcoholics:

"And they say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
even when they're dry as my lips for years.
Even when they're stranded on a small desert island
with no place in two thousand miles to buy beer.
And I wonder, is he different, is he different, has he changed what he's about?
Or is he just a liar, with nothing to lie about?"

Substitute sugar in that song, and it's me. I've been doing so well all these months because I'm a liar with nothing to lie about, but when sugar is within my reach....watch out girl!

I started out on the trip pretty good, with only a chocolate bar to keep me perky on the road. But then, at my aunt's house, we celebrated my grandfather's 77th birthday. Jai and my aunt made him a chocolate brownie cake. I was done for.

It's really amazing how if I can resist that one bite, I'll be ok. But I never resist that one bite, and then I succumb to the powerful physical and psychological hold that sugar has on me. I just have to eat more and more and more. It's impossible to stop until I feel disgusting and so full [and there's no more to eat anyway].

So that's what happened. I was no match for that chocolate brownie cake (served with ice cream, of course). And then for the rest of the trip, I was totally under the spell of sugar. I ate a lot of it. Another chocolate bar here, some chocolate almonds there, more and more brownie cake, some cookies, icecream... Until today, when we were finally on the road headed home, and I could just feel my body begging for some love. Some nourishment. And no more sugar.

So here I am, back in my lovely sanctuary [there is no place like home, Toto], and I am re-centering myself. I am quieting my mind, I am focusing inward, I am bringing my awareness to my womb. And when I do, I hear my feminine spirit speaking to me. Guiding me. This is what she tells me to do:

• Drink tea. I am choosing to drink the blend I made the other day [which my aunt tells me is like drinking a field. I think that's a good thing.], but anything with nourishing herbs like nettles, raspberry leaf, lemon balm, oat straw, or other dark green leafyness would work. Whatever makes you feel nourished.
• Take a bath and/or shower. Sometimes I get caught up in the life of a mother with two small children, and a shower doesn't make it very high on my to-do list. But oh, it feels so good. So refreshing and nourishing and loving to myself. I like to end my showers with a spray of cold water to return my blood back to my internal organs. And oh does that make me feel alive.
• Eat simple and whole. Grains [brown rice, quinoa, millet, buckwheat, oats], legumes [lentils, black beans, sprouted tofu, garbanzo beans, tempeh] and lots and lots of veggies. Especially the green leafys [kale, chard, cabbage, bok choy, lettuce]. Now that we are out of winter and into spring, it is the natural time to cleanse our bodies of heavy winter fare. It's a time to simplify our diets and eat an excess of fresh new greens. Try some wild greens, too: dandelion, nettles, and chickweed are all starting to make appearances. 
• Eat with intention and awareness. Listen to my body: eat when I am hungry, stop when I am comfortably full. It's amazing how often we eat out of habit instead of actual need. I know I often eat just because I want to and not because I'm actually hungry. Slowing down to really pay attention to my food, to fully taste and smell and see and feel it, satisfies my desires and nourishes my soul.
• Meditate and visualize. Sit in front of my altar. Focus on a healing light in my womb area to balance feminine and masculine energies [Feminine energy comes in on the left side and masculine energy goes out on the right side. I visualize a bright white light on my left side, warming up that side of my pelvis, and then I move over to the right side and repeat.]  Feel love and nourishment and forgiveness and gratitude.

One day, maybe I will be so grounded and centered and strong that I will be able to sit side by side with a chocolate brownie cake and not even feel tempted. 

Or maybe not. 

But I try not to focus on my relapses or feel bad about myself for binging. I just re-focus, bring myself back to center, and try again.

*Blessings*

Healing My Cold

I have had a cold now for about a week. A stuffy, sinus-clogging cold. A cold that has rendered me unable to taste, which is the worst symptom by far [I love eating!]. I must admit, when I felt the first signs that a cold was descending upon me, I did not take it seriously enough. I did turn to my usual allies - echinacea tincture, homemade elderberry syrup, raw garlic and radishes, ginger-lemon-turmeric tea - but without enough consistency or dedication. It was a busy week, and I put many other things before taking care of myself.

Fresh turmeric and ginger make a great anti-inflammatory tea.

I did, however, hit the neti pot up hard. I have a great love affair with my neti pot. I use it on a daily basis even when I don't have a cold, and when I do, I use it twice a day. Many times have I attributed the healing of a cold to my beloved neti pot.

Slice up an inch of each, add 3 cups of water, and simmer 30 min.  Strain and add lemon juice.

But me and neti have had some issues this time around. I am so stuffy, there hasn't been a lot of flow through the nose. I have been very persistent with it, however, and have now managed to bring my left ear into this mess as well. Somehow all the unsuccessful neti potting has unbalanced the equilibrium between my ear canals and my sinuses, and my left ear really hurts.

All of this background story is to explain why today, I have felt like crap [oh wait - I left out some parts. Mina was up for many hours last night, so I got very little sleep. And the coyotes returned last night and killed our third sheep, Laura.]

So Mina and I were laying down for a nap, and I was feeling grumpy and icky and sick. Mina was more interested in playing than napping [unlike her mother.] Instead of fighting her, I started focusing on my womb area, my root. This is a practice that helps connect me to my feminine spirit. I breathed light into that space, expanding my feminine energy and feeling love and relaxation from it. [If this is something that intrigues you, I would urge you to read Wild Feminine by Tami Lynn Kent.] After a few minutes, I realized Mina was quiet. I opened my eyes to find her fast asleep.

Visualizing healing

Then my intuition guided me on what to do next. I got up, brushed my teeth, fixed my hair, and put on big and beautiful jewelry. I wrapped myself in a blanket and sat right next to the fire. I grounded and prepared myself with my daily meditation [which i will share with you on another day]. Then I focused on my head. I visualized white healing light coming in through my nose with my inhalations, and exhaling through my mouth, I released stagnant energy. I did this for five or ten minutes, with strength and intention.

And my sinuses totally started to open up.

Next my healing hands began to massage my achey face - the bridge of my nose, the bones under my eyes, across my cheekbones, along my jaws. I kept my focus on bringing in healing energy (white light) and releasing stagnation.

When I was done, I felt revived. I got up and danced a little bit, to keep the energy flowing through my whole body [I highly recommend that you dance as much as possible.]

I think that the most important result of my little healing session was the change in my attitude. By connecting with my feminine spirit, I evolved from being a sad and sorry case to an empowered healer. Taking myself into my own hands, I applied my love and wisdom. I still had a cold, but my day turned from a crappy one into one of beauty and gratitude.

And that, really, is what healing is all about.